CLOSED: A Junior Self-Portrait Diptych by Chelsea Whitmore (2011)

I Am. I am closed and unambitious. I wonder is there anything really in this world to care about?. I hear the babble of a brook, the cry of a child. I see through new eyes a new world. I want suddenly to know everything. I am closed and unambitious. I pretend to care and sympathize. I feel the desire to contribute, but nothing comes to mind. I touch fleetingly an old photograph. I worry incessantly for the people caught in time. I cry with the passion of people's past. I am closed and unambitious. I understand the gravity of the world. I say what does it matter to me?. I dream selfishly of a world all my own. I try to open myself and create goals. I hope it all really means something in the end. I am closed and unambitious . This diptych is testimony to my tendency towards cynicism and nihilismI fall into these ruts of lack of care and existential angst, and it seems to take great effort to find meaning in anythingI then close myself off, making it even harder to feel good about anything. But when I finally am able to see the world, when some trigger is pulled, the world seems suddenly much brighter and much broader. Suddenly there are so many universes to explore and time seems so limited. Each subject and idea that I had previously tossed aside so carelessly now delves so deep that I must go spelunking to satisfy my unquenchable interest.