Self-Portrait Essay

In the personal essay project, we reflected on our lives and increased our writing capabilites.

An array of colors burst across the deck, lighting up the entire room which was previously a black silence. The computer bursts to life; a rainbow pallet flowing across the screen. The waveforms align as the music is placed onto each turntable. Beyond the mid and high of the tracks is a beat, flowing through the track like jolts of color. The music comes together to create a spectrum; a rainbow of sound.

One day I began watching a live stream of the biggest EDM festival in the world, Tomorrowland. I had just experienced one of the biggest hardships of my life the weeks before, and this was something that got my head up for the first time in months. I was soon absorbed by the exotic music, smiles, colors, and people at the festival. After taking in all of this, I knew how I wanted to steer my life. I quickly bought turntables and started to DJ. The rush of controlling the music was unlike anything I had felt before. Soon I started DJing with my friend Nolan, and our love for music took off. Every day for months we DJ’d creating mixes we knew nobody would listen to, but we didn’t care. The exuberant vibes that came off the music we mixed were unreal. We were hooked on what we loved. We refined our skills over time, and eventually realized we had to take our passion a step further if we truly wanted to pursue our dream. I downloaded FL studio, a digital audio workstation built for creating electronic music. Due to the fact that there were similar aspects in Djing, I was ready to quickly pick up the production of EDM. I had no idea what I was in for. Around 2 months into DJing I had all of the basics down, and DJing was very easy for me. Producing was not the same. For months I struggled to make the most simple drum pattern. I could see the end of the tunnel, but I could only move in place, or backwards. Then, a light emerged. I met a top producer in person who showed me the skills I needed to move forward. I soon began making drum patterns, melodies, and eventually breakdowns. But I still had to put it all together. I struggled yet again. I was back where I was before. I had some of the pieces I needed, but I couldn’t put them together, or make the final elements needed to finish a track. I then went into a downwards spiral. This spiral lasted three times as long as when I had first started producing. I had let someone else do the work for me, instead of paying attention to what they did. Above all the hardship and thoughts of giving up, I realized this is what I loved. I understood that if I still wanted to pursue music even when I hated it the most, this is what I truly wanted to do. I knew I had to keep moving. So I did.

I learned everything I needed to over months of tiring hard work. Each day was harder than the last, but it got me closer to the end of the tunnel I knew I had to reach. Nolan and I started putting together our first real track. Nolan put together the melody and bass line, while I handled the drums, synths, and production side. Our skill sets worked together flawlessly. I had somebody I could rely on for everything I couldn’t do, and somebody who could help me with what I could. At this point in time, the track was almost finished, and was something that both of us are extremely proud of.

Throughout this time, at the highest of the highs, and the lowest of the lows, I knew that music is what I wanted to do; my dream, my passion. Despite the hardship that almost brought my dream down, this was a time that shaped me more than anything else. Without self realization, determination, and someone to help and guide me through it all, I couldn’t be where I am now. After countless hours of sadness, joy and thought, I discovered that my conscience is a beat that is constantly moving and guiding me. Without it, I would have abandoned music, and above all else, I would still be stuck in the cave.