My podcast is a pilot episode for a fictional podcast that collects people’s funny stories having to do with family or friends. Its like Funniest Home Videos in podcast form
You send in your stories and we let listeners laugh at them. Your listening to It’s Personal the comedy podcast that shares your stories! For our first pilot episode I will be telling my own stories about a crazy couple. This is a continuation of the “crazy ex-girlfriend stories” my humor project consisted of.
Just to recap. These are stories about a family friend and his ex-wife. They got married, and I attended their wedding. Not to spoil it but they got divorced after 18 months so get too attached.
The wedding in itself wasn’t too crazy, it was all the crazy people that were that make it so fun. The wedding ceremony was first, than dinner, than dancing. The ceremony was fine, one of Jim’s friends pretended to be the priest, it was cool. Jim gave his vows which was something about how smart he thought Jan was and how her random knowledge about plants really turned him on or something. All Jan talked about how her 60 year old groom was really hot. That’s literally all she rambled about. Just so you know if all your fiance has to say about you on your wedding day is that you’re cute, it’s not going to work out. It’s just not, sorry.
So I met a bunch of really interesting people during the wedding. All of whom were connected to Jan in some way. Everytime I had met Jan before the wedding she was telling me how much her sister was going to love me. So I met her sister, but before I saw her, I saw her husband from a far. So during this time I had been watching a BBC show called Dirk’s Holistic Detective Agency which is based on the Douglas Adams book of the same name. Adams wrote Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy among other titles. Dirk Holistic Detective Agency has a really weird plot and neither the show or the book was even that popular or good or anything, but I was watching it at the time and the evil henchmen, in the show were all were clones. I wish I could show a picture of this character. He’s like a bald stocky white guy whos like middle aged and is really creepy and disconcerting. The thumbnail of this podcast is the character. That’s what her sister’s husband looks like too! I swear to god he looked exactly like that and it freaked me out! I was like how the hell is the bad guy from that show literally no one watches here! What’s going on?
So that was weird. Now I was like 14 and my hair was like dyed blue or purple or something. I was also wearing tights were the top half were beige and the bottom half were black and there were cat faces on the knees to the wedding. Ya, I know. I’m not cool now; I was much worse, as you can tell, at 14. So here sister sees me and goes “Oh my god, I love your tights. I love cats!” Now I don’t know if you know this, but for some reason middle aged women love these cat tights, I don’t know why. I’ve gotten compliments from like 5 different middle aged white women on these tights. So I think these tights are having the middle aged woman effect on her. So than she asks me where I’d gotten them. So I said “HotTopic” because it’s true and I have no shame. And then she said “Oh my gosh that’s so cool I wish I could shop at HotTopic and dye my hair, but I have an adult job. But your so cool.” And she was being completely serious, not even a little irony or sarcasm. And then I knew she was crazy. Also if you ever become an adult, and at any point, even for a second honestly think a 14 year in any is cool, you have failed. That’s it is all over. You are a failure. I can’t help you past that, no one can.
The true star of my personal experience of that night was this woman who thought of herself as Jan’s best friend. I forgot her name so lets just call her Lily. She was technically 50 years old, but she’ll tell you herself she didn’t feel 50. I’d guess she felt like she was 16 since she acted like a ditzy blonde 16 year old from some Disney Channel original TV show. She told me stories about how she and Jan worked in a strip club in New Jersey together. (valley girl voice) But it was like a really fancy nice stripe club. Ya, it was sooo fancy that mob guys hung out there. And some really important and rich mobster started dating Lily. His family was really nice, really welcoming and he gave her really expensive presents and anything she wanted, but he didn’t let her talk to anyone. Ya, no friends, couldn’t leave the house without him or without his consent. He gave her all this shit but was nice sometimes so it was a really hard decision for Lily to make to decide to leave him. Oh and Jan helped so how and now they’re best friends forever. Clearly a true Feminist.
So than Jim and Jan had their first dance. Now Jim dose swing dancing so alot of the people at the wedding were dancers and wearing strapless dress, but they could dance in them since they were dancers and had discovered the mystical magical invention of double sided sticky tape. Jan was wearing a cute, low cut dress that should not have had any problems anymore either except, she hadn’t made the all important discovery of double sided sticky tape yet. So throughout the whole dance she was in danger of um… revealing herself. I could tell that if the dance ended in time she’d be fine though. So the dance goes on and it’s clear that when the dance ends she is going to be very close to having a problem. And then the song ends and she’s covered! But than Jim dips her and her whole boob falls out and it’s all over.
So nothing else interesting happens that night. And I meet her a few time when she’s married to Jim and nothing remarkable happens. And then they get a divorce 18 months after their wedding after dating for less than a year. Than we have dinner with Jim and he’s sad cause he just got a divorce and she’s living in his apartment, so he can’t live in his apartment because she’s there. Then we have dinner with his again once he got his apartment back. He was feeling better and was willing to tell us about all the crazy shit she did that he couldn’t tell us about before.
So Jim is rich and owns an apartment in San Francisco and an apartment in New York. He only lives in New York like 3 months out of the year and the rest of the time he rents out his apartment there. So while they were still dating Jim had a tenant in New York that wasn’t great, she partied and left the apartment a mess and stuff. Since Jim didn’t like this tenet and Jan liked Jim, Jan decided to use some devices she had that was like a needle that made a tiny cut in this tenet’s splenda packets and put real sugar in the artificial sweetener packets. Because the tenet was on a diet and annoying she decided that proper thing to do was put sugar in her splenda packets. How crazy is that?
So when Jim got his apartment back he thought through everything that could possibly come in contact with his body since she might have contaminated it. Soap, alcohol, food. He had to through out everything! She stole stuff too. Jim has three pairs of dress shoes, she took half of each pair,two right shoes one left shoe. He had some art piece Jan hated to so much she made him put it in a closet and she took it just to spite him.
Jim was telling my whole family about all the things she did and this next freaked my dad out the most. The sugar in the splenda packets scared me the most personally. So Jim moved back into his apartment and spent the whole day cleaning up his after Jan. So after this long day he’s in bed, about to go to sleep. He turns off the lights and “Jim Loves Jan” “Jim and Jan forever” is written all over his bedroom walls in glow in the dark paint. So he’s been sleeping on the coach.
You’ve been listening to It’s Personal. We would like to thank our sponsors, but we don’t have any. This podcast is supported by Freestyle Academy. Freestyle didn’t give me money or anything, they provide more emotional support, in the form of assigning a podcast production assignment. Thank you so much for listening.