Introduction
The reflective narrative might be one of the most heartfelt forms of storytelling that I have ever observed. Over the past year, I have spent hours pondering the significance of the color of my skin and the essence of my religion, and the lyrical essay project in English enabled me to express those ideas in a unique way. The lyrical essay was a project which challenged us to tell a unique story(with unique syntax) that took the audience through a personal journey. So without further ado, here is my lyrical essay, Second Life, Stories of a Muslim American Childhood.
Second Life, Stories of a Muslim American Childhood
A sea of light brown coats your body in an unchanging color. Like a branding, so people can attach distinguishable characteristics to the presence of such a color in the sea of colors that make the wheels turn. A color that brings about several preconceived notions and never changes whether heavily exposed to the sun or not. Despite this, you were always told to lather
yourself with sunscreen whenever you went outside in the “motherland”. A sea of white placed directly on the sea of brown to “protect” you from the dangers that come from overexposure. You never negate ideals of science in that you know that sunscreen really works however you always feel separated from all others no matter how much sunscreen you put on because of your innate need to hide your identity. You always feel as if you need to lather substances on your skin to cover up who you really are. This need wasn’t there
when you were ignorant to the reason for
this need. Although you weren’t alive,
September 11th, 2001
brought about
a need to conceal your true
identity in fear
of the revenge
that some may ensue because of a misunderstanding
in a religious text that few acted upon
to torture the lives of a place
that you adore. This brought about two realizations
in you.
- People will hear only what they wish to hear
- If you do not appeal to the wishful hearing of some then you put yourself in mortal danger
So before you continue you want to say sorry mom, sorry dad, and sorry little brother for if some continue to read they will soon realize this isn’t the paper that is going to let them hear what they wish to hear rather it is one that may speak what they do not wish to hear.
The Pledge of Allegiance
Oftentimes because of your lightly brown nature, it is assumed that you would always be among the intellectually superior and that scriptures will always be your hands’ obligatory companion. While you may be lucky enough to have fallen in love with academia the place that provided so much of your love confirmed your two beliefs.
“ I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America”
You bow down in respect to this piece of cloth forever there to serve this intimate object’s needs defined by those who claim to understand this object. An object that was flown over the heads of people who claimed to have wanted freedom for all and a place where all have the right to be ambitious and a place that your parents dreamed to have their children bow down to a flag that had more opportunity to bring about change than their flag did. As Father sat at his desk with his walkman created by people who bowed down to this object listening to John Denver depicting the nature of the land that this flag belonged to he thought that things would be as he was told. He thought that he would be thought of as the exact same as the people who lived with this flag flying above their two-story homes. He dreamed of this false reality until he finally flew to Atlanta, Georgia, and noticed that he didn’t only “pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America”
Eid Al Fitr
“La illah ila Allah Muhammad rasul Allah” “I declare that there is no god but god and that Muhammad is the messenger of god”
As the first of your people marched and chanted these words throughout Mecca with pride in their hearts they never could have imagined that their progeny would experience their Abbasid allies degrading them for these chants. After all, did they not believe in their god and their son of God as well? As you place your head on the ground chanting these words you wonder how you will be judged if you are seen pledging to two contrasting yet similar beliefs.
The Pledge of Allegiance
“And to the republic for which it(the flag) stands one nation under God indivisible, with liberty and justice for all”
Your first reality was starting to form as you hear the hymn of your class chanting these words all you can do is stand with your mouth shut. As the days go on you realize you are leading two lives and that you not only can’t relate to this flag but also not to the foreign words chanted throughout the prayer hall. You hope you can keep this stunt up for your entire academic career but you know it can’t last forever.
You smell the Biryani cooking in the kitchen convincing yourself to let go of the dream of being able to relate solely to your teachers at school or your relatives across the waters. As you are told to get back to your math practice you think that you can’t figure out the answer to the more important problem. While your body is draped in a light brown and you pledge to two lives what life do you want to live? And what life will the world let you live? As you hear your classmates dreaming of becoming president one day you know that this reality cannot be true for yourself. As your parents and family ask you how you will carry their name heading into the future you know that you may not be able to muster up the courage to face the world In your lightly brown upper layer.
We say we can all dream
We can all have the right to be seen as equals
But as long as you pledge your life to two ideals
You can never fully reap the benefits of one world
While you classify yourself as fully American you never feel as if you are an American, as you read more about the history of your nation you can’t help to notice the parallels between the people that your nation broke free from and your own motherland. As the Turks obliterated Constantinople in the name of religion you look towards the Crusades in the same way. Soon the works of Shakespeare look to be the same as Rumi, the Blue Mosque and Sistine Chapel look to have the same grandeur. As your parents and teachers expose you to the world, the oppressors depicted in your US history book seem to be just like the names glorified in your Saturday schools class. This brings about your second realization.
The Pledge of Allegiance
The day finally comes, your teacher has finally caught you in the act. As your class chants the pledge of allegiance with pride in their hearts and you stand in silence unable to bring yourself to speak the words you hear an authoritative voice. As your principal peeks his head out from the shadows of the doorway your ears start to blister as you walk into the principal’s office he tells you that you are not alone. That he too faced the same dilemma while growing up. As his father was taken from his home late one evening for a crime he didn’t commit simply because of the color of his skin he too had the same questions on what life to live. He told you that it is possible to lead a third life that encompasses both of your other lives.
One centered around your first love, academia.
He said that your all-encompassing world is hidden in the bindings of the scriptures that conflicted you in the first place. Because at the end of the day you will find happiness as
You will only read what you wish to read
Inspiration
Much of my writing in this piece was based on Claudia Rankine’s literary piece Citizen which discusses what it is like to be an African American. Rankine’s piece was a beautiful representation of both her experiences and the experiences of others, to further reflect on this piece I wrote an honors essay discussing reviews of the essay.
Honors Citizen Essay
The Los Angeles Review of Books article titled “Reconsidering Claudia Rankine’s Citizen: An American Lyric. A Symposium, Part I” interprets Claudia Rankine’s literary work Citizen through four different lenses ultimately having the reader unsettled on a single definition for what Citizen really is. The review is broken into four essays each written by a different critique from different walks of life. The first essay, by author Daniel Worden, goes into the accolades that Citizen has received while defining Citizen as an “urgent meditation” which features poetic and political work that breaks poetic norms by being widely relatable to a series of audiences. The next essay, by poet Evie Shockley, dives deep into defining Citizen as poetry when in fact it is a collection of “essays, lyric essays, prose narratives, stories, and prose representations”. She goes on to claim how these different literary forms make Citizen a good “voice of the ordinary” and a gesture towards form and genre. Unlike the first two essays the third essay, by assistant professor Maria A. Windell, attacks Citizen for not recognizing the other race battles present in the nation. She claims Citizen to be a critique on racism through the lens of the African American story. The final essay, by professor Roderick A. Ferguson, goes through Citizen from the lens of the reader experiencing the second person used commonly during the book. While all these essays bring something new to the table they all compliment one another to form the consensus that Citizen is an undefined beast of a book and an experience that every reader should go through especially during the nation’s current racial situation.
While I agree with the concluding point of the review there is one main intricacy within the initial definition of the book that perplexed me. Daniel Worden’s essay serves as an introduction for what is to come in the other three essays while giving Citizen the extremely confusing definition of an “urgent meditation”. When I think of meditation the last thing that comes to mind is the disturbing racial injustice present in our nation. I can clearly remember tossing and turning in my bed during the nights that I heard about the recent racial attacks, unable to find peace nonetheless meditate with my eyes closed. During my reading of Citizen, I didn’t feel much better, instead, I would question each and every one of my limited interactions under lockdown wondering how microaggressive I was to people and if my unknown racial prejudices were contributing to the problem. As a Shia Ismaili Muslim who prays at least once a day I found trouble in the simplest moments of daily mindfulness consistently stuck in a loop of guilt for potentially being ignorant of my prejudices and microaggressions. Citizen’s images give me every feeling other than a peace which is supposed to be the feeling that comes out of “urgent meditation”. Take Glenn Lignon’s piece “Untitled: Four Etchings,1992”(52-53) for example, which shows the repetition of the words “I do not always feel colored” and “I feel most colored when I am thrown against a sharp white background” leaving me(neither an African American nor a “white”) extremely perplexed about my contribution to this feeling. Am I included in the white background which creates a further racial divide? Am I forcing racial ignorance through a lack of recognition making non-whites(like myself) feel uncolored and embarrassed about their culture? How can I create a place where I am not ignorant of our differences but also not prejudice and microaggressive because of those differences? While questions are necessary for personal growth they are frowned upon when meditating. Meditation serves as a way to escape from the world and these questions and come back to life’s basics; breath however as I dove deeper into Citizen I blocked off my ability to simply meditate due to my constant preoccupation with finding the answers to these questions. The initial definition of Citizen as an “urgent meditation” especially perplexed my viewpoint on Maria A. Windell’s essay.
Windell’s essay serves as a dispute to the initial claim made by Worden through the introduction of other racial events. As Windell points out Citizen’s critique on racism doesn’t take into account several racial stories including post 9/11 targeting of Arabs. This further disputes the claim that Citizen is an “urgent meditation” as it fails to include all the pondered upon racial injustices. This leads me to not only question my own actions and biases but also Rankine’s actions and biases when writing Citizen. If Citizen is meant to be a meditation that calms the mind then how come it leaves out key racial events in its pursuit to inform the general audience? I think that Citizen should be claimed instead as a thought-provoking eye-opening piece rather than an urgent meditation that soothes the reader. As Roderick A. Ferguson pointed out in his essay within the review, Citizen places the reader in Rankine’s world through the use of the second person and “ pressures us as readers and as writers to determine what it means to be in the world and in life.”.
While meditation for some may be the questioning of the world I tend to disagree with that norm hence making the Los Angeles Review of Books review on Citizen a classic example of a review with great content but poor derivations of that content.
Reflection
I believe that this form of storytelling might be my most effective and personal, this english project was definitely my most emotional in terms of my writing process. It brought about feelings I have never felt while creating and I look forward to making emotionally driven pieces such as these in the future.