Illustration

aaaaParis the city of love; romantic don't you think? I had been planning the trip for the two of us for awhile now. And now we are here; sitting at a hole-in-the-wall café under the bright stars, just like twinkly lights at Christmas time. The aroma of the espresso brewing tingled as it flew up my nose. It reminded me of our first date at the local coffee shop in our hometown of Goldenberry.
aaaaThe same kind of paisley wallpaper covered both shops and the grayish cast from the hanging lights seemed the same. We had sat at a small round table that was barely big enough to fit our pastry plates. We had talked and laughed the whole afternoon away. We hadn't realized how late it was until the store attendant told us that it was closing time. But this Parisian café was just a tad more romantic than our Goldenberry Coffee Shop.
aaaa"Darling, isn't this wonderful?" I asked.
aaaaNo response, except the wrinkle of his nose and shrug of his shoulders.
aaaa"Ben? Really, isn't this great?"
aaaa"Um-mm," is all he said.
aaaa"So, are you excited to go to the Eiffel Tower tomorrow?"
aaaaI could see his eyes starting to wander to the exotic, large chested, brunette at the table next to ours, "Oh yeah, I guess," he responded even though he probably had no idea what I was saying.
aaaa"I can't wait to see the view of the city from the top. I hear it is just phenomenal," I said, trying my best to grab his attention again. I leaned closer into him and tried to look like the voluptuous girl at the other table. He was still not paying attention at all. Good lord, what do I have to do to keep him interested? Seriously, come on.
aaaaHe never used to have wondering eyes. He was always faithful. My favorite memory was when I walked into the New Year's Eve party. His eyes met mine as I entered. He said he could never have eyes for any one else in the entire world. Well, I guess he had his eyes on someone else now.
aaaa"Hey babe, what do think if we go back to the hotel right now?"

"Oh, I am just getting a little tired. I want to relax and take a long bath to unwind."

"Oh," Ben said absent-mindedly, "Okay, I would like to stay and have one more coffee first," He waved the waitress over to order his coffee, "One more coffee please." He eyed the woman as he sat up straight in his seat and puffed his chest out like a rooster courting a hen. Just as she turned away, I could see him wink at her.

I tried to remember what it was like when we first started to date. He made me feel special, like there was no one else in the world he could love more. How I missed our long hikes when we strayed off the trail to explore the undisturbed woods, and the long nights just talking until we would fall sleep mid-sentence. I missed looking into his deep dark brown eyes that seemed to transport me to a parallel universe. Whatever happened to those days? What did I do to make him lose interest? How can I keep him interested? And now I couldn't do anything to make him think I was his true love.

"What?" he said with annoyance.

"Geez, don't take that tone with me..." I said defensively.

He sat up a little, "What tone? There was no tone in my voice. What do you want?"

As the waitress approached with his coffee, he turned to her and flashed his radiant smile with his gleaming white teeth. I hadn't seen him smile like that in a long long time,
I missed it. But that smile was no longer for me.

We sat there for what seemed like hours, in utter silence. Occasionally he would sip his coffee or look around to see if any new women had walked into the café. Finally I couldn't bare it any longer. I reached for his hand, but just as I did so, he slid his hands into his lap. I sat there taken aback. Did he really just pull away from me?

"Ben?" I asked confused and hurt.

But all I got in return was another, "Umm."

Then it hit me. What was I doing here? What did I expect from this trip I planned? He obviously was not the man I fell in love with over hikes and late nights. So why did I want to bother trying to rekindle the past? My thoughts were racing. I had been trying way too hard to make this shattered relationship work. There was no way to salvage the tiny pieces. I know I had no feelings left for this man in front of me, only for the one I met last year. I was not in love with who he was, I was in love with who he used to be. I had to speak my mind.

I didn't know how to start out a conversation like this, "Okay. So what's the deal?"

He raised his thick brown eyebrows, "The deal?"

"Yes, the deal. As in what is going on with us?" I said in a business-like manner, "It hasn't been the same in a long time. I want to know if I can fix us, or would I just be wasting my time?"

Again all I got from him was, "Umm."

"Are you going to say anything?"

He just looked at me blankly. I continued to ask him my questions, "Do you feel anything? Do you have any opinion or feeling about us at all? Please, I need to know what you really want."

"Are you really asking me to wait longer? I have waited long enough. I have waited six months to be exact. I have waited every second for you. I don't have any more patience to wait anymore."

He could not even look me in the eye. I stared at him and realized I no longer felt anything for him. I tried to figure out what was going through his mind. I should just walk away now. We weren't in love any more, so why should we go on pretending?

I would not, and could not, keep pretending I was in love with Ben. My cheeks flushed red as I began to act on impulse. My heart seemed to be leading my legs right out the door. I walked through the thresh hold into a new world. I felt a sense of liberation as the chilly night air brushed my skin as I walked down the street. I looked up at the expansive, infinite sky knowing now that I could choose a new path in my life. A new me was born. My baggage had been lifted and I was free to float where ever I pleased.