[aside]
J: So I was at work the other day, you know, doing my thing, grilling the cheese at the Panera Bread. Despite the fact I just got my nails done, my manager put me on cleaning duty, ugh! I wanted to make go things faster, so I started mixing it all together, the febreeze, the soap, the amonia, the bleach… next thing I know, that brat Katy Waters is screaming at me, and my other coworkers, Ryan, Brian and Orion practically tackled me! I heard them talking about me behind my back, being mean and insulting me. I just really needed some advice on how to deal with these idiots. So I was walking through downtown when all of a sudden it hit me! Literally. A door just swung open and smacked me on the head. How rude. Anyways there was a bunch of smoke and some lady came running out, looking a little scared for her life. There was some kind of crystal ball glowing and a sign that said “psychic”. And I thought, who better to get life advice from than my ancestors! Older is wiser, isn’t it?
[aside]
MC: Welcome, I am Madame the Clairvoy–
J: I need my fortune read.
MC: One moment please, I am Madame the C-
J: HELLO?!
MC: Just give me a moment, Welcome, I am M-
J: Excuse me! If you keep ignoring me I’m going to give you a bad review on Yelp!
MC: Just one second! Wel-
J: this is important!
MC: WILL you let me finish?! (stands) I am Madame the Clairvoyant of the astral order, I hold the all seeing eye on my neck, I hold the land of the dead in my crystal ball, I know all things, past and yet to come, I ACCEPT CASH OR CHECK. (lightning sound)
J: I only have my gold card…
MC: (slumps down) I will accept an IOU. I have foreseen why you have come in to my shop! If only I had foreseen how rude you were…
J: (gasp) how did you know people think I’m rude? You really are clairvoyant!
MC: Indeed… You wish to resolve this conflict between you and your coworkers, through the guidance of your ancestors… Very well.
J: Yes!
MC: (Taking a deep breath in) oh yes I see him now… John Waverly, your great, great, great uncle… lived through the reign of Al Capone… (moves timeline to 1920s)
J: Woooow…
MC: (becomes John, dramatic pause) Heeey, bunny!
J: What’s that?
MC: Bunny? Oh it means someone who’s lost, and I hear you’re lost.
J: In a way…
MC: Well if you know the way, then you’re not lost are ya? I’m kidding, it’s all jake, but I’m lost too, in fact I’m the lostest guy I know. I don’t know how I got here, one minute I’m about to take a bite of my sinker, the next I’m in a huge gray void that defies the human understanding of perspective. But hey, now you’re here, what’s the post?
J: (moves timeline to 2019) What did he just say? Wait, he knows he’s dead, right?
MC: They used a lot of weird slang in the 20s. And… no I’m not entirely sure he does… (moves timeline back)
J: Oh… well, my coworkers Ryan, Brian, Orion and Katy keep talking behind my back and spreading rumors, and ugh, they’re just so rude! Just because I don’t do the job the way they do doesn’t mean I don’t do it well…
MC: I mean that Katy sounds like a real cancelled stamp, but you were being a bit of a dumb dora! Sounds like you took some wooden nickels! Look, when you take a job, you gotta know your onions! You know, know what’s going on.
J: It seems like you’re the one who ‘doesn’t know their onions!’ You’re dead! Aren’t there like… demons or something where you are?
MC: Dead? What do you mean dead? C’mon don’t be such a wurp! And just cause a guy’s got polio doesn’t mean he’s a demon! Look, seems like I’m not the guy you’re looking for, see? There are some guys down the line you might like, see if you can get along with one of them, ya bluenose.
J: (moves timeline to 2019) Madame, I came here for wisdom and knowledge! That guy didn’t even know he was dead, and he thought the demons were just polio patients, how am I supposed to learn anything from him?!
MC: Well… you learned some new words didn’t you?
J: (Sigh) Can you give me someone more modern? Someone enlightened?
MC: Enlightenment is subjective… But I can find someone who thinks they are enlightened.
J: Wha…?
MC: (moves timeline to 1950) (Big sigh) What do you want? I suffered enough in my life trying so hard to do something meaningful but there is no meaning!! Let me rest in PEACE!!!!
J: Who are you?
MC: Does it matter who I am? My name means nothing, I mean nothing, you mean nothing, nothing means anything!! I overheard your problem and I’m just here to tell you my secret in dealing with any quarrel.
J: What? What is it??
MC: Quit.
J: What? I can’t quit! I need the money, my parents cut me off!
MC: You expect money to make you happy and give you meaning??? What naivete. Nothing will give you the feeling of fulfillment and purpose you so desire. Might as well just quit now. Quit everything. You know, if you go to my old house up in the hills, there might still be a Machete buried in the backyard…
J: (moves timeline to 2019) Madame, Madame, stop!
MC: What? What’s wrong?
J: All these people have been crazy, they don’t know anything! (pauses and sighs in exasperation) come on, is there anyone… educated I can talk to?
MC: Educated?
J: Yeah, like a man of science or something?
MC: As you wish. (moves timeline to 1840) Hello love, awfully bricky of you to come round here.
J: Gross, what happened to your accent??
MC: I’m a British man talking through some Church Bell yank, of course I’m going to sound like I’ve been powdering hair. Look, if you’re experiencing stress, get out of those Gas-Pipes and take some mercury tablets.
J: Gas pipes?… Mercury?
MC: Of course, mercury has many healing properties!
J: I don’t think…
MC: Best part is you don’t even have to take it orally, you can just-
J: I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know!
MC: (huff) Well… (gets up and starts measuring Jane’s skull)
J: What are you doing??
MC: You can tell many things about someone’s state of health from the size and shape of their skull!
J: Ummm…
MC: Say, you wouldn’t happen to be a homosexual, would you?
J: I’m sorry, what?! What does that have to do with anything?
MC: Well you see you have a canthal tilt of 15 cm dilated east, and that is generally synonymous with homosexuality.
J: Hey, that’s not real science!
MC: Excuse me, but on the contrary it is quite scientific. Like the treatment of a misbehaving child with a dash of cocaine, or the healing properties of radium, or Boracic acid purifying milk and making it safe to drink.
J: That’s ridiculous! Madame, I don’t want to talk to this guy anymore! (moves timeline back to 2019)
MC: Jane, there is no need to yell.
J: These guys don’t know anything! Are any of my female ancestors willing to speak to me?
MC: Hmm… I… yes, I see her now Cressida of ancient Sparta-aaaaAAAA! (moves timeline to BC)
J: What are you doing?? Are you ok?
MC: If you are so weak that you need the help of those departed, you should have been left to die as a babe! You’re so delicate I could crush you with my thumb!
J: Hey!! My parents called me their porcelain doll!!!
MC: YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO THIS FAMILY!! BACK IN MY TIME YOU WOULD BE STONED (pause for dramatic effect) TO DEATH!
J: Now I know you’re joking. Weed can’t kill you! (moves timeline to 2019)
MC: You are no expert about what can and can’t kill you, you didn’t realize that mixing ammonia bleach is-
J: (huffs and moves timeline to 1840)
MC: (as Victorian Scientist) YOU IDIOT! Ammonia and Bleach mixed together will KILL YOU! Don’t play around with toxic chemicals!
J: You want me to shove mercury up my ass! (moves timeline to 1950)
MC: (as Nihilist) You did them all a favor death is a release from this horrid world!
J: You’re dead and you’re still crabby! (moves timeline to BC)
MC: (as Spartan Warrior) Back in my day, we wouldn’t let anything as petty as toxic chemicals stop us! My blood was snake venom!
J: (moves timeline to 1920)
MC: (as John) Ooh. I walked into my house after getting that sinker that day and it smelled kinda nasty and that’s when I saw an empty bottle of ammonia and bleach in our kitchen. Not a great smell lemme tell ya. Anyways it made me pass out and the next thing I knew I woke up in this gray room. Wait a minute…
J: (moves timeline to 2019) Wait… so you’re not supposed to mix ammonia and bleach?
MC: (as herself) Oh, honey, no.
J: Well, I guess that’s my fault. But what about how they’re constantly talking about me behind my back? They think I’m so incompetent. (moves timeline to 1950s)
MC: (as Nihilist) That’s ‘cause you are. I don’t know why you bother.
J: Hey! I make great grilled cheeses! I put the cheese right on the grill so it’s all ooey gooey when I scrape it onto the bread! (moves timeline to BC)
MC: (as Spartan Warrior) I’ve been forced to eat raw bloody rabbit and even I wouldn’t eat that.
J: UGH (moves timeline to 1920s)
MC: (as John) I… am I dead????
Dead silence
MC: NOOOOOOOOO!!!
J: I can’t take this anymore!!! I’m just even more confused! (moves timeline to BC) Oh great spartan warrior please tell me how to win this battle with my coworkers!
MC: (as Cressida) You gotta MARCH ON DOWN THERE AND SHOW THEM YOU ARE STRONG AS A LION!
MC: (moves timeline to 1950s) But what’s the point? The world will just beat you down anyways, there is no hope. Besides, I’m surprised you haven’t been fired already sounds like you are terrible at your job.
J: Excuse me… Did I not just tell you about my great grilled cheese recipe??
MC: (as Nihilist) Oh talk sense!! The best way to make grilled cheese is to sprinkle some oil and butter on the pan, then add BREAD FIRST then cheese, then cover for 1-2 minutes then add the other piece of bread and flip it.
J: What were you, a cook or something?
MC: Oh food was my life! The spices, the flavors, the heat, the cultures combining! I felt truly alive in the kitchen. But I smoked too much and my taste buds died and… I never felt the same again.
J: Hey! I think I think I know why you’re so crabby! You miss the taste of food, don’t you?
MC: (As Nihilist) Well, I mean, yeah… I guess.
J: Hey, maybe I’m clairvoyant!
MC: Hey life is still meaningless! Even with the sweet tastes of chocolate mixed with just a hint of cayenne pepper, the smell of turmeric and black pepper crusted chicken, the potatoes…so many potatoes… food was my purpose in life! Cooking gave me the purpose of spreading culture to everyone I knew.
J: (move timeline to 1920s)
MC: Nice that you’ve found purpose in life now that you’re DEAD. WE’RE ALL JUST WORM FOOD NOW!
J: (moves timeline to 1950s) Wow. I want to feel that passionate about something. All this time, I thought it was just about making money and being rich. But I want to feel alive, like you feel when you’re cooking! You know what, I am gonna take your advice. I think it’s time for me to quit.
MC: What! No, don’t listen to that version of me. He was a depressed maniac who didn’t know what he was saying.
J: No, I mean quit my job and pursue something I’m really excited about, like writing! I could be the next great author.
MC: Whoa, let’s not get ahead of ourselves there.
J: (moves timeline back to present) Thank you, thank you so much!! I think I finally know what I need to do. Sorry for being so rude to you before, it was probably just pent up anger from how much I hated my job.
MC: (Flops down) … Please… if you want to thank me… don’t come here again.
J: But that IOU!
MC: Don’t worry about it, just go! (Sighs)
J: (Leaves)
MC: (looks at watch) 3… 2… 1
[crashing]
MC: It was never going to work out for her anyway.