As a project for our English class we were asked to think about what we believed in and write it into an essay demonstrating the events in our lives that led us to that belief. Personally, it wasn’t so very tough to figure out what I wanted to write about and I think I demonstrated it well since this is one of the pieces of writing yet that I am the most proud of, even though I have a hard time being vulnerable and letting other get to truly know me, this essay really challenged me to step out of my comfort zone and do just that.
Frenemie
I believe in the power of self-talk.
I moved away from my birth country during my last year of middle school, so it was easy to imagine how hard that transition was. It was a new home, a new language, a new school, basically a whole new start, but unfortunately, no new friends came along with it. There was no friend who’d walk with me to the next class or who would spend lunch with me and I was terrified to even try to put myself out there so at some point I came to the conclusion that, at least for that first year, I’d have to be my own friend, I had to be the one to reassure myself that things would get better eventually and that I would be able to get through it. Soon enough I came to realize that even if the reassurances came from me, they helped me so very much. Instead of dreading that feeling of loneliness, I knew that spending that time by myself wasn’t so bad, it gave me the opportunity to know who I was a little better. Unfortunately, it is only human that not every day of the week was a bright one, and I would tear myself down after all the time I spent on raising my spirits.
Eight-grade English class was a specially low point of my day back then, the things I told myself weren’t as kind. It was a room full of people I considered myself to be beneath; everyone was more advanced while I rarely, if ever, understood what I read. During those bad days, it was just as easy to let myself fall down into a wormhole of doubt. What if things didn’t get any better? What if next year it’s the same and the year after that? What if I can’t catch up and what if I don’t actually make it? And what if, and what if, and what if…
Eighth grade was a long time ago, and though things are nothing as they were before, the friendship and rivalry I have with myself still continue. Even though I tell myself to keep trying my best and be proud of even the little accomplishments; seeing friends doing twice as much makes me feel insufficient and as if I were staying behind. It became an easy trigger for me to be discouraged and disappointed in myself to keep comparing how little I’m doing and brief moments of pride and of telling myself “you’re doing so well!” were accompanied by a breaking “you’re not doing enough” and of course one of those had more of an impact.
I often wonder, when will I stop hearing the negative criticism? I don’t think any of us ever do stop criticizing ourselves but we must not let the negativity get the best of us. I know now that I have the power to choose who to listen to, whether friend or foe. It’s still a constant challenge to try to figure out this self-duality but just like with almost everything, it’s a work in progress.
A capture of the video production process in After Effects implementing all audio, photos, videos and the rest of the magic of special effects!