The reign of the Red Delicious is over. The history is written by the victors, but that history is long gone— shot with the pistol loaded with internet criticism, crumpled into crinkled sheets of national cynicism, burned, trampled, ashes grey and captured just to be ground into the dirt with some journalist’s new boots.
In its place, a new kingdom is constructed, at the hands of a new monarch, beckoning the era of the Honeycrisp [1]. David Bedford, leading the new age, smites the old regime armed with tree 1711, a patent, and a trademark. And from that holy capitalistic crusade, Bedford and Co. seize the market as the Honeycrisp continues to hold the apple economy in the palm of its hand [2].
The Red Delicious is, clearly, the victor no more.
Instead, the Red Delicious is a burning effigy hanged high. Its a dartboard made out of center for the online to throw its rocks. A candy red picture perfect principle, a definition of disgusting, the frontrunner for last place. The world shouts through its megaphone about this apple’s mealy flesh that crumbled when it tried to break off cleanly. The world gives its sermons, defining it as a mistake [3], a pest, a waste of orchard real estate. It’s cloaked with a waxy skin caked in makeup and bright lipstick which makes it look as good as the stickers that depict it despite it tasting like the adhesive on the backside, it’s like they liken it to shots of cyanide or the imagined taste of bitter insecticide, and maybe not rightfully so [4]. The internet and its citizens hunt for things to hate, they construct pedestals made of article and raise these punching bags so more people can learn to hate it. They wave their flags woven from crowdsourced propaganda, playing up the drama with speeches dripping with vicious unnecessary, it’s a lecture series, all for sport. However, if you’re staying after class, just know that there’s no room for discussion or differing opinion, so I’ll differ you to the comments section, in which everyone is entitled to a pitchfork and an optional anonymity through means of fake identity.
But, I digress.
The unimportant matter here is that the apple tastes bad.
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[1] Though technically, it designates itself as “HONEYCRISP” in the description of its patent—either out of convention, or to encourage excitement for those who read the document; those people consisting of themselves, legal servants, and nerds like me.
[2] As found from Supermarket Perimeter, because Lord Statista demands me to offer 39 USD at its feet for access to its library of graphs, calling it a bargain, because it’s normally 59 bucks.
[3] Go see this Atlantic article. Title might sound familiar.
[4] Or, rightfully so. See this NPR video. The media does kind of see the Honeycrisp as the savior to a sheltered world… but also makes a good point in that the qualities of the Red Delicious made it more practical for the retailers, thus sacrificing apple quality. A distracting aside, but I guess that’s how I’m using this space— deal with it.